Heart4kidsadvocacyforum's Blog

I could never have been the parent I am to my child without the love and support of my loving family and friends that constitute a vital part of my “Life Community”- I had the luxury of being endowed with a “Beloved Community” that has been there for me and my child, throughout our lives.  Many of these people shared my life from childhood into adulthood.  It is important to surround yourself with family members and friends that have shared values that align with yours.  It does not mean that every time a situation comes up where advise is needed, that everyone will have the same opinion.  Discussion and reflection must go into the task of guiding and nurturing our children.  The important thing is to stand firm on  the process of trying to make any decision that concerns the child or children, and that this discussion is done void of the children’s involvement until there is a united front to engage with them.  Children are by their very nature not able to deal with the confusion of mixed messages from adults.  Children see things in black and white.  There are no shades that come with the status of being an adult and seeing the world through a crazy upside down, inside out lens that pushes things out of reason and alignment. 

Children see things for what they are, and we need to respond accordingly!  Children are secure when the guidepost are clear and consistent. We need to be confident in what we are saying and doing with them and for them.  It does not mean that we will not make mistakes, but what children need is a united front, consistency, and follow-through.  We then must have a process by which we engage with them so that we demonstrate how to reason through situations and learn how to make sound decisions.

The united front is important with children because part of their development is to test the waters with “manipulation”.  We know as adults that there are situations where we are called to manipulate the elements of a situation in order to do what is in our best interest and sometimes the best interest of others, but what we don’t want to support, and nurture is a character trait of manipulation.  We want them to have the skill set to evaluate when it is appropriate to intercede in a situation and influence the factors so that the outcome of whatever, is safe and ethical.  What we don’t want them to embrace and develop is the character trait of using manipulation to “get what they want” at the expense of others or what is right and ethical.  It is a real balancing act in trying to ascertain when to “call them out “and guide them away from this when it becomes a “behavior” instead of a “skill”.  As they get older and more age appropriately mature, we can guide them away from manipulation and into a more arbitrational skill set.  There are so many other skill sets that can evolve from this life lesson.